Posts Tagged ‘God’

My Beloved


Hello everyone,

I am so happy to be able to post in my blog today.  As many of you know, I am having difficulty writing, but today I am blessed with the ability to write to you.

I read an article written during the holiday season named  Less Later, More Now! by a blind woman named Marcia Morrissey.

She talks about the stress of the things that we think we have to do for holiday preparations ” which often keep us “too busy” to light a candle and say a prayer, or read a bit of scripture, or that make us tell family members “later” when they need us “now.”

I think this happens in every day life, not just during the holiday period.  I go back once again to one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, who talked about getting trapped in the “noise of humanity” and not stopping to listen to the silence of the spirit and learn what nourishes and feeds our soul and the souls of others.

I have seen a tragic pattern as I have read the countless stories of people in chronic pain or frontal temporal degeneration (FTD).  So many people who are carergivers and people who have chronic and terminal illnesses find the support of family members, friends, even fellow church members slip away.  These people gradually disappear from their sick friend or sick relatives life. They consider themselves well meaning but they are too busy, caught up in the “noise of humanity”. While living their daily lives, they feel burdened down as it is.  I understand these are hard times.

There is work that has to be done then there is “busy” work. Busy work I consider those things we do to distract ourselves.  Or maybe you are out of work right now, you’ve put in all the resumes you are able. You are feeling down so you veg out in front of the television. I know about feeling down and vegging in front of the TV.  We don’t have good cable where we are living now and I am still suffering from Turner Classic Movie channel withdrawal.

When you aren’t doing anything purposeful could you drive over and spend a little time with a caregiver or your relative or friend who is ill?  I can tell you this, one visit from you can make their day a good day and the bright spot in their week.

A little attention goes a long way. Perhaps you could do something, even the smallest thing would help.  If you can’t spend any time going to see them or you live too far away, then call them, send an email or a message on Facebook.

(To my friends, I’m not trying to guilt you into sending a message to me. I know you are there.)

Try for a minute to look at it from their point of view.  You have gone for many years thinking you had a close relationship with your family and friends. Many times you have talked about how you would be there for each other if anything happened.

Then you find out you have a terminal illness.  You expect those dearest to you will come to you and say, “What can I do?”  And what happens?  Your mother cries, “Why does this have to happen to me?”.  Your father shuffles back and forth for awhile, claps his hand on your shoulder then walks off to another room.  Your children stare at you with disbelief, run upstairs to google your illness then come back downstairs and confront you with the news that they found a site that says your disease is not terminal. Your sister is in total denial and your brother, who is a doctor, treats you like a difficult patient instead of the best friend who always understood you.

This unfortunately is not an unusual response. It is quite common.

But then you have to make the choice, do I exit now out of life or choose to go on?  I have chosen to go on.

Understanding that my spiritual self is my true self that journeys on through eternity has helped me to live with the horrible maladies that I face. What we are afflicted with in human terms may be blessings and opportunities in spiritual terms. We have to go on with what we have — like the blind woman or like the guy typing with his toes because he has no use of his arms or me using Dragon speak to dictate — and do what we can in the world.  I think to get through adversity you have to look at this world in more than merely human terms.

There is a difference between the human worldly goods and gifts and things we desire and the spiritual values. What on a human level is a disaster — to be afflicted with a fatal disease — spiritually may be a blessing.  It is terrible to suffer pain and loss, and to suffer from compassion for others that are suffering.  Spiritually those sufferings can have a spiritual purpose, to make us stronger, more compassionate, to have more understanding, and to grow spiritually.  Here in this world, now, with the afflictions and burdens we have to carry.

In my own life one of the major burdens that I have no one can see:  I continually have to keep the dam up against the flood of unruly thoughts that the death of the neurons in my brain is causing.  Unruly is a mild word.  The voices, the thoughts, are not mild.  It can be exhausting just to sit, to all outward appearances, quietly.

As I may have written before, I have spent some time reading the writings of the Saints. Two that I feel are my companions in suffering are Julian of Norwich and St. John of the Cross.   I did not ask for three wounds from God as did Julian of Norwich. Her words of suffering have been a companion in my suffering. I share with her the one of the gifts — wounds — that God bestowed upon her, which is compassion.

I also have found comfort reading the poem, Dark Night of the Soul. Like St. John, I have sought a personal relationship with God. God is the Beloved and I have a place within “where no one else can come.”  Although when I was growing up, I went to a fundamental Christian church every Sunday, I had an amazing experience when I was 13.

I was vacationing with my family in Red River, New Mexico.  We were staying in a lodge in the mountains.  I was reading a romance novel, sitting on a log. I closed the book ad exclaimed to a squirrel, “I am totally bored.”  I decided to go for a short walk.  I followed a path and about after 15 minutes, I looked around me and noticed the forest had changed.  All of the trees had brilliant colored leaves. The brook I noticed was wider and many beautiful fish swam in a pond nearby.

I looked around and saw a beautiful man in a yellow robe sitting not to far away from me.  I knew he was Jesus because he was my conception of Jesus.  He motioned and I laid my head on his lap. He stroked my hair and said words to me that I don’t remember. I felt as if I had come home.  All worries left my mind.  I fell asleep and when I awoke he was gone.

I ran down to tell my brother and he believed because he always use to believe me.  I took him back up the path but we could not find the place. My brother still believed me.  I knew this was not something I could share with my family. They would tell me it was a fantasy and it was pagan for me to say that I saw Jesus that way. Jesus just did not come to individual people in visions anymore.

But I kept this experience inside my heart and after I met my spiritual teacher, I realized I could have a personal relationship with God that needed no intercession.  God is my “Divine Beloved.”

There is a story from the East of a famous saint to whom God appeared as a beautiful girl of sixteen.  He was so tormented by the absence of his beloved when she did not appear, that he felt he had to abase himself to get her to return, to the point of licking dog droppings in the street.

I also have taken much comfort from reading the words from Rumi about his divine Beloved.

The reason I am sharing these personal relationships with God is that this relationship has kept me strong. I have lost just about everything that people lose at one time or another.

In her article Mary quoted the Scripture readings of the third Sunday of Advent, Isaiah 35:1-10:

“…They will see the glory of the lord, the splendor of our God.  Strengthen the hands that are feeble, make firm the knees that are weak.  Say to those whose hearts are frightened: be strong fear not!  Here is your God; with divined recompense he comes to save you.  Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared; then will the lame leap like a stag.  Then will the tongue of the mute sing.  Those the Lord has ransomed will return and enter Zion singing crowned with everlasting joy; they will be with joy and gladness.  Sorrow and mourning will flee.”

It is wonderful to read these words promising what will happen after we have shed this mortal suit.

Many of you are familiar with the passage that Mary quoted in her article, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we look for another?”  Jesus said to them in reply, “Go and tell John what you hear and see: the blind regain their sight, the lame walk…the dead are raised, the poor have the good news proclaimed to them, and blessed is the one who takes no offense in me.”

Many take this passage to mean that Jesus is saying he is “The One.”  I don’t discount this meaning

For me, this passage has an additional meaning, now and for everyone with ears to hear.  The one who is blessed is anyone who realizes that their true self is their spiritual self and who acts accordingly:  walk their spiritual path and nourish their spiritual needs. The truth is good news to the poor, to understand that all material gains are not real, that they will pass away in a short time, but you can gather what makes you spiritually rich, and that can last for an eternity.  The dead are raised are those who were dead to their spiritual self.  For the lame, no legs are required to walk with your true body — your spiritual self.  The blind can come to see the spiritual truth.

It is hard for people to understand about blessings.  A huge loss, psychological and physical pain, such things are not blessings within themselves.  But if you can understand that what we see around us, this mortal world is only a fraction or perhaps a distorted perception of the real world.  We are all spiritual beings, connected in ways that are hard for us to conceive. We are busy ants carrying crumbs. Any good or bad intention you have starts crafting a design that you do not see until it comes back into this world and affects you and others in ways you may or may not expect.

For Those Who Are Not Heard, Part 1


The other day, I was trying to make a referral and couldn’t remember how to spell my neurologist’s first name.  I asked Selch.  It’s not at all a common name.  He did a quick search on what he thought her name was just to check.   He found a page on the internet that matched the name, but didn’t look quite right.  He started to read.  The woman was a doctor and a PhD, but was recently retired from the Texas A&M College of Medicine as a professor of surgery, not a neurologist.  She was writing about two epiphanies that she had experienced in her life.  I noticed he got a little misty as he read.

Her first epiphany came in response to a prayer.  She was called to be an ordinary Christian woman.  A bhakta.  [Note:  In ancient India, the followers of Vishu marked their foreheads with three vertical lines, and the followers of Shiva, with three horizontal lines.  The term bhakta means “one marked by striations”, and came to be used as a collective term for those who devote their lives to God, of whatever persuasion, whichever direction the lines are drawn.]

Her second epiphany struck closer to home.  Her mother became ill, and the illness damaged her brain severely.  It left her “locked in” with no means of communication.

Her cerebellum–the center of coordination–had been destroyed. When this happens, there is no way to speak, no way to signal. Try to signal and your hands fly wildly like startled birds. Try to speak and a scream comes out.

Part of the second epiphany concerned her mother.  God told her, “…I need someone with the resourcefulness to reach this woman trapped in a body that doesn’t respond.”  Many would have said that her mother was gone, and put her into a home.  That way, she wouldn’t have to agonize about the effects on her two young boys and her toddler, Beth.  It would certainly be the easy way out.  Beth would stand for hours by the wheelchair, looking at her grandmother.

Instead, she persevered and worked with her mother, eventually finding a way that her mother could respond in ways that meant Yes or No.  Her mother was still there.  They found ways to communicate. Her mother was not gone.   Selch puts it in computer terms:  The problem was with the interface.

I can relate to little Beth because I was also called Beth when I was growing up.  I remember also standing by my grandmother’s chair.  She had severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but we were very close.  My doctor and I talked about how we had both been called Beth growing up.

Then it all became clear to me.  The little Beth in the story is my neurologist.

This story is important to all of us who are patients and caregivers.  We wonder sometimes, “Is my loved one still there?  Should I keep trying?  Maybe it is time to give up.”  I read many messages from caregivers who wonder if their loved one is still there, should they keep trying to communicate.  I always say, Yes.

Some people, frequently doctors or scientists, will try to “objectively” define a person as a collection of behaviors.  If the behaviors change drastically, they say the person is no longer there, that this is a different person, as they no longer act in the same way they used to.  They will frequently tell the family, “Do what you think is best for the remaining members of your family.  The person you loved is no longer there.”  What would have happened to little Beth’s grandmother, if her mother had taken this view?

I am more than a collection of behaviors.  Christians believe that there is an immortal soul, and that this physical body is only temporary.  Buddhists and Hindus also believe that this body is temporary, that we are not simply the body, but will be reborn or reincarnated.  There is a problem with my body, my brain has a disease that will cause my body to die.  It is not a problem with me.  It is a problem with my interface to this world.

When my disease progresses far enough, I will no longer be able to communicate in words.  Selch will find new ways.  He knows I will still be there, loving and caring and suffering, on the other side of a broken and deteriorating interface.

Living with FTD-suffering


I recently read an article “You will call, I Will Answer.

Anyone who is going through suffering will be able to relate in some ways to William Stunz’s account of his life.  I don’t totally agree with everything that he says.  It has helped me over the years  to read accounts of other people’s suffering and also talk to other people who are suffering.  Each person who is suffering  needs to find tools to cope.

A book that I hold close to my heart is “The Revelation of Divine Love” by Julian of Norwich.  I can give you no better explanation of the connection I feel with the Anchoress than Selch describes in his recent post.

Stunz talks about how he felt when people inadvertently blamed him for his pain due to lack of faith.  Many of us who have an illness or who are  caregivers have  experienced well wishers who tell us we need to have more faith or things would be better if we prayed more often.

I was raised in a family who went to a fundamentalist Christian church.   Now I practice  Bhakti Yoga and Theravada Buddhism.  I do not judge anyone’s faith or religion.  All paths  lead to God. We are all a part of God, brothers and sisters, connected by our souls.

Why does God let bad things happen to good people?  There have been countless books written on this subject and for many, this question has no answer.

Dr. Stunz says, ” I do not think that my suffering is God’s discipline.”  I agree that suffering is not literally “God’s discipline”, but I do believe in  karma good and bad.  We make our own karma, some life experiences are decided before we come into this life and in other matters we have free choice.  We are also affected by other people’s karma. Karma has helped me personally to  understand suffering.  What is good for spiritual growth may not seem like a good thing for us while we are living in our physical bodies.   The reality we perceive as humans is only a small part of  “The Truth.”

This does not make suffering less painful or less real for us.

Stanz recounts about whether or not suffering has made him a better person. We have heard many times that suffering will make us stronger and that is the last thing we want to hear.  My own experience parallels the experience of Dr.  Stanz.  At first, when I developed chronic pain I was overwhelmed by sadness, depression (anger turned towards myself) and despair.  I came to realize that I did have a choice, give up or go on with my life one day at a time.  If I dwell on the past too long , it does nothing to change my current life and it wastes the limited energy that I have that could be used in a positive way to make myself and others feel better.

For those of us who suffer and those of us who are caregivers, we must realize that life changes for everyone.  Chronic illness, FTD in particular, changes our lives, behaviors of the caregiver and of the loved one, in  particularly difficult and often incomprehensible ways  While the illness robs us of many things, the part of us that is real and true, the being who cares, loves and wants to reach out to others is still there.

When a woman is grabbing the arms of her husband  because he is trying to take the car keys in a boorish and childish manner because he has FTD and doesn’t believe or remember he can’t drive, doesn’t she think of the many times those arms around her made her feel safe and warm?  She has reminded him so  many times lately that he cannot drive and she thinks about when she may have handed him keys with no thought of peril for his well being.  When you can’t manage not wetting your pants do you ever think about the time not too long ago when you put your pants on one leg at a time without any thought and managed an entire department of people?

We must not forget who we are, our true selves and understand that the disease is causing these troubles and behaviors and the disease is not who we or our loved ones are.  We should hold tightly to this life rope that connects us to who we really are.  It will help us hold on to our dignity and compassion for ourselves and our loved ones during the most trying times.

I agree with  Dr.  Stanz that accepting that I had a terminal illness was easier than I thought it would be. Once I accepted that everyone dies,  I am understanding there are blessings  that come with  a shorter span of  interaction time with the world  so I should try to enjoy things while I can

I had an eating disorder when I was young and I have never liked food.  Now I really enjoy eating.  Selch is cooking dinner right now and preparing fruit salad.  Who would have thought that fruit salad could be downright delightful?  I appreciate small things like chocolate pudding, looking out the window and watching the birds,  and talking to an old friend.  It is a struggle for me to go out anywhere, but I still find activities that make me feel good.  Like  Stenz said, he was able to feel more physical pleasure.

I often go to Second Life which is a virtual world on the Internet.  I have an avatar there who can fly, swim, sail, see many beautiful places and visit many interesting people.  I think allowing fantasy and creativity in to your life when you are suffering is a good thing.   We have forgotten how to play as we did when we were children.  Yes we have responsibilties but  all of us who are suffering could use some play therapy.

Last year was the roughest year of my life.  What helped me get through that bad time was definitely my relationship with Selch,  my partner.  During that time, Selch often teased me that I was Jobette.  One bad thing after another kept happening until I got to the point that I felt like I only had a few things left to lose.

Many things and relationships I thought had to be there for me to ever be happy again didn’t need to be there and were actually impeding progress in my life.

Progress in life has a lot to do with knowing, loving, accepting and protecting yourself as you would your dearest friend.  I can only change what I do.  I cannot change anyone else just by insisting that they be the way I want them to be.

It may feel like we are not in control of our lives because of the circumstances that we are in.  But, we make choices all of the time about how we will react to the situations where we find ourselves.

There is something to be learned from everything that I experience.

I practiced mindfulness exercises before it became “fashionable,” and  these practices have greatly helped me with my struggle with difficult and unwanted thoughts.    To be able to quiet the mind of all its busy thoughts for even a short period of time is very helpful.  Like any exercise the more you do it, the easier it is to do and the benefits are greater.

I am learning  to stop caring about what people think of my situation. Selch and I have to focus our energy on living our lives the best way that we can.  It is so true that real friends will be supportive and if they aren’t, then they are not a “true friend.”  This also applies to family members.

If you are sick or you are a caregiver , it is you who are in the trenches.  You don’t need a lot of well wishers who don’t want to get their hands dirty.

I am in constant pain and FTD is keeping me from “controlling” many areas of my life but I constantly remind myself that the illness cannot control who I am.  Eventually it will disrupt my interface with the world to the point that I will not be able to communicate or understand what anyone is saying to me.  I have spent years in this life continuing the journey towards self-awareness.  What will happen as  I  watch the disease that is causing my physical body to do things I would never do?

Maybe, my weird sense of humor will remain.  I hope I will be able to be tolerant and understanding of that physical body that is the shell of me.

Mr. Stenz spoke of one of his fears of death was the fear of be disappointed that he didn’t live a better life.  I can relate to his feelings.  Sometimes I still do ask my self why I am  here but now  less and less I feel like my life is not useful so why don’t I just die?  I know I have  been given blessings of a well stream of creativity, the dam of writer’s block has burst.  I have so many characters telling me their stories, I often wonder who should I tell what and when in this limited time that I have.

Why do I live? Why is there suffering?  Perhaps, like children we ask many questions but as we grow in time, life (the continuing journey and existence of our being) we will no longer need to ask the question.

Anti-depressants may not work


I just read an article in Newsweek that says antidepressants may be no more effective than placebos. I have been on several antidepressants.  My relationship with antidepressants started when I was having moderate situational depression.  The doctor tried putting me on three or four antidepressants but none of them helped and I had the additional burden of side effects along with depression.

The only thing that helped my depression was getting out of the situation.  But, I have talked to many people who swear that antidepressants help them so I’ve always thought if they work for them and they suffer no side effects then I wish them the best of luck.

After I developed symptoms that could not be explained, physicians that I saw always pushed antidepressants.  They told me they weren’t saying that everything was in my head and that anti-depressants actually had been shown to help my symptoms.

I gave them another go round.  Again, nothing but side effects.  So, I started refusing antidepressants.

Then, my doctor diagnosed me with complex regional pain syndrome.  He has a very scientific way of thinking and explained to me in a scientific manner why antidepressants work.  So once again I hopped on the horse.  This time my companion was Cymbalta.  For the first two weeks, I actually felt better.  I happened to be on vacation in No Where’s Ville, Pennsylvania when I had a severe anxiety reaction due to Cymbalta.  My physician advised that I immediately stopped taking it.

After that, I started doing some research of my own regarding side effects of antidepressants, reading some studies and reading  lots of testimony from other patients that  made me realize that antidepressants can have some major side effects, even suicidal ideation.

Since then, the only thing I have let my doctor prescribe in the anti-depressant category is Trazadone in a very small dose to help me sleep at bedtime.

I have been mostly focused on side effects of anti-depressants in recent years and haven’t paid that much attention as to whether they worked or not.  Many people said that they really work for them and who am I to judge?

I do remember reading a study that said the body adjusts quickly to change in serotonin levels.  I also read recently that serotonin levels are not the hallmark for depression that everyone has been thinking they are.

The article in Newsweek says that studies show that anti-depressants are no better than placebos.  I believe we all have the ability for self healing if we are able to have faith.  Perhaps there is something to the placebo effect and no one should be concerned or ashamed if it truly is a placebo effect.

I am  concerned  that when everyone starts reading this article , they might discount the placebo affect and perhaps not feel as well.  I suggest reading the writings of Edgar Cayce if you are open minded.  His abilities are an example of how the mind does have the power to heal.

I grew up in church where they told us that healing only came through Jesus.  Now I do believe that healing does come from God but the power to heal has been given to all of us.

Remember the passage in the Bible that said if you have the faith of a mustard seed you could move mountains.  I think so.

I once knew a man who had the “gift” of healing.  He knew this gift came from God and everyone has the potential ability to “heal.”  It is one of God’s gifts to humanity.

I cannot say whether antidepressants work for others or not.  In the article someone asked why would the FDA would approve antidepressants if they didn’t work?  The FDA has a huge political agenda and they are not always looking out for the best interest of the people.  See FDA REMS and the fact that they have blocked two new pain medications that might help chronic pain patients.

Please if you are on an anti-depressant, talk to your doctor before you decide to stop taking your medication.  If you get off antidepressants suddenly it can cause serious withdrawal symptoms that could be life threatening.

About Dying


Today has not been a good day.  I’ve been having problems with pain and  I am lingering in depression.  I was telling Selch that my medication helps treat many of my symptoms but it can’t take away my disease.  My illness is like a dark invader who is always with me.  I feel him behind me.  Sometimes his dark hands rest on my shoulders.

There are times when I feel more freedom my illness  such as when I am praying.  My prayers are like a shield that guards against unwelcome thoughts.  In the best of times, I am with my Ishta (the desired form, the aspect of God that was given to me by my spiritual teacher.)  Listen to  Loreena McKennitt’s  Dark Night of the Soul.  It is a good description of the feelings I sometimes have.  The poem was originally written by St. John of The Cross, On a Dark Night.

Sometimes in the midst of a wonderful day-dream, I gradually see a small dark thread.  As I get closer, it becomes a long dark ribbon.  I know that it is my connection to death. I’ve considered touching it or perhaps even grasping it with a gentle tuggle.  Perhaps, I will do that someday.

Even though I have a terminal illness, no one can tell me how long I have to live.  It isn’t like some forms of cancer in which the doctor can make a determination based on survival rates.  This dark spider lays her “eggs” (sometime tau bodies) in various places within the frontal and temporal lobe.  No one can predict which neurons will die.

When I received a letter from my doctor’s office and Selch read those words Pick’s disease (FTD) , it altered my sense of physical self for the rest of the time I have left on Earth.

My life  has been filled with good times and bad.  There have been times when I was up to my neck in the mud of Earth immersed in life.  Experiences such as motherhood, marriage and career have drawn me into the same world as everyone else but at strange unexpected times I  have this sense of being on the outside looking in.

We all have to die and to find out that I will be living on the Earth a shorter amount of time than many of those I love dearly does make me feel sad.  Yet, now I have a sense that I may be going back to the place that I belong.

So, I do not fear death itself.  I call the dark presence an invader because I did not invite him to come and he draws physical life force from me pressing on my back forcing me to painfully exhale life energy.

We are not only our physical bodies.  I think what I fear more than death is the continuing experience of a faulty interface that will gradually  keep me from communicating that those that I love.  I’ve asked Selch if I will be able to find a way to tell him I am still here.  He says he will always know that I am here until I have departed from this life.

I have lost many things over 13 years of having a chronic pain syndrome and then five years of having symtpoms from my degenerative brain disorder.  I do not have  what people call their personal freedoms.  I’m not able to drive, I can’t do activities of daily living.  I have apathy about doing the most simple things  so I have to be constantly reminded even to drink water.  Yet, I am able to still read articles and stories on the computer and type on the computer.

As I mentioned before, the disease  has its own special design of destruction for everyone that it touches.  So, it is hard for me to explain to people  how disabled I actually am because I am still able to write.

In the last month, a few people who I know who have FTD have fallen several steps down the stairs of functionality.  It is hard to find anyone with FTD who can communicate.  I feel like there are a few of us are clinging to a lifeboat and when one of us slips down, it is a major loss.

Selch reminds me that this does not mean that the same thing  will happen to me but for me each time one of the members that falls off the raft,  is  a ray of hope has disappeared.

Before I started this post ,I read an article,  Hard Choices for a Comfortable Death: Sedation. The author of the article writes about his discussion about intraveneous “terminal sedation” with different doctors who are taking care of patients who are dying  in various hospitals.  The process of  IV “Terminal sedation”  involves bringing people with a terminal illness into the hospital, some who have been receiving home hospice care, because they are have extreme discomfort that can’t be managed by home hospice.

The doctor has a lot to consider in these situations including how the family feels and  previous wishes of patients to die at home with their loved ones that were made before they started having intolerable pain.

I’m not sure about how I feel about IV terminal sedation.  Many doctors argue that it is the disease itself  at the end that kills the patient, not the pain medication ,that they become tolerant off  in a short period of time.  For instance, how would that work for people like me who are already considered “opioid tolerant” meaning that I have been treated with narcotics by a physician over a long period of time so it requires a higher dosage to treat my pain.  Then I wondered if once people who are opioid tolerant are undergoing  IV sedation, are they still feeling pain at some level?

Many times during terminal IV sedation, the patient is not given any fluid or nourishment.  The physician explains that it helps the patient to rest more peacefully because the body isn’t stressed having to process liquid and food.  But, are they actually being “starved to death?”  These are questions I can’t answer.

I have been under IV sedation many times for many procedures.  Several times IV sedation was considered necessary for the doctor to give injections that contained pain relieving medication into my spinal nerves.  I received 8 course of IV sedation when I was in the hospital two years ago  for a month due to an enormous  deep vein thrombosis.  Those  attempts at IV sedation were not very successful in treating the pain caused by the procedure because the doctor wanted to give me less IV sedation because I was on a high dosage of pain medication.  I wish sometimes that chronic pain patient’s could carry a pocket pain management doctor around with them when they needed to undergo any treatment or procedure.

It would be nice to see the cheery young face of my nice Polish doctor explaining in a very scientific yet simple to understand manner to the no nothing about pain doctor why I actually require more IV sedation.

I have noticed from my personal experience and after reading multiple  articles about children and people who are chronically ill that have to undergo multiple procedures under general or IV sedation. They  are more prone to nightmares which involve removal of body parts, horrible creatures performing procedures, etc.  I have several dreams that would rate closely whith some of the most horrific movies ever made.  Perhaps that is why I don’t bother to watch the movies, I can see something much more grueosme and life like for no money in my dreams.   Perhaps the pain that we do not supposedly feel during procedures, sedation, altered states such as comas  is stored is displayed in other mediums  such as our dreams.

To sum it up, I am not totally sure that IV terminal sedation is a total painless, uncomfortable way to spend your last days or weeks on Earth.

Obviously, it has benefits for the family because they don’t have to see their loved ones suffering but on the other hand they are unable to talk to them before they die.

That brings one other thing to mind.  When we appear to be not there are we really still there?  It is something I’ve discussed before and I’m sure I will discuss again.

Bye for now